


My Stupid (Non-)Fucking Sons

by berebitsuki



Series: Magnus the Red x Captain General Little Kitten [2]
Category: If The Emperor Had A Text To Speech Device
Genre: I still don't know shit about wh40k lore, M/M, MY BRAIN IS FUCK, POV of Man-Emperor, lots of swearing, maybe humour, mutual pining jokes, third-person POV
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-23
Updated: 2020-05-23
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:22:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,041
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24344953
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/berebitsuki/pseuds/berebitsuki
Summary: Emps thinking to himself about one of the many complaint topics his glorious skeletal majesty has.
Relationships: Magnus the Red/Captain General | Kitten
Series: Magnus the Red x Captain General Little Kitten [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1757602
Comments: 4
Kudos: 46





	My Stupid (Non-)Fucking Sons

**Author's Note:**

> I am still sorry to everyone that reads this, but I will continue on my bullshit. Warning: the profanities used are plentyful but not as inventive as in canon.
> 
> Edit: the detail about Kitten being a forgotten psyker is mostly derived from an offhand comment of my brother (who introduced me to Warhammer). I am not sure if I understood him right, so take this with a grain of salt.

The un-life of the Emperor of Mankind is so fucking shitty, and becomes worse by the day, even as his grand plan to make it all a bit better unfolds. Some of the fuckups he gets to constantly feel he can't even complain about out loud - for different reasons, one of those being a lack of suitable listeners. Just talking to himself will have to do, even if it's so fucking lonely in here.  
This fucking fuck-drama that Magnus and the suncat Custodes have going on, for example. Who would have thought that he'd have to watch two of his own sons pining after each other like that? Though it does make sense, for the most fabulous beings in the galaxy (except for him, when he gets off this stupid chair) to choose each other over mere humans. Maybe he shouldn't have tried so hard to prevent such affairs between Primarchs before, but back then it would've been a distraction from their main purpose. Right now, love is of most value, so the two fuckwits get to have their time. Even though they are such bottoms about it.  
The banana man has, conveniently for parts of his plan but absolutely idiotically, somehow managed to forget of his own psyker powers. Or maybe he just got them somehow in the madhouse this palace had turned into, the Emperor's fuckup shard of a magnificent mind can't remember if he even tried to create a Custodes with psychic powers in the first place. Every part of this shit seems impossible, but, to quote a certain indecisive daemon fuck, how much can we really comprehend? Especially with such a fucking trainwreck for a psyche. The main problem with this absolute bullshit of a happenstance is that the psyker Custodes somehow manages to unknowingly broadcast his sexual fantasies on every frequency, so that the Emperor can't even block him out without losing most of his perception of what is going on in the throneroom. One of the inconveniences he has to put up with for the sake of his great plan, not the worst by far but really fucking irritating. It was almost funny before Magnus's arrival, but when the Custodes started fantasizing about Magnus just taking him there and then every time he saw his son, it became quite the fuck of an issue.  
He also knew Magnus returned the little sunshine's feelings. Magnus, thankfully, had conscious control over his powers, and thus his father was spared from knowing of his sexual fantasies in excruciating detail, but it would help a lot more if he just wore a fucking helmet! Even all the stripperstodes did that. Of course, they all got to look at the magnificent face of his this way, even if in a tomato-colored and one-eyed copy, Magnus was one of his sons who resembled him the most. But he was also really fucking bad at concealing his emotions! Such an insufferable bottom. Of course, as one of his own sons with millennia of daemon prince experience to boot, Magnus was perfectly capable of fooling normal people and the idiots that were his Adeptus Custodes, but with the Emperor's expertise, every single emotion and feeling little Magnimagic had was as obvious and impossible to ignore as before he got himself into Tzeentch's abominable tentacle-claws. So the Emperor of Mankind had to watch how Magnus went from seeing the kitty cat as more of a banana than a man to a useful pawn of his father's to a peer, and then got a crush on him, with repressed fondness and little bouts of jealousy, and, of course, sexual attraction, which was really fucking weird. It would be of use, of course. But, as the father of both of the fuckers, it was immensely irritating to watch the two fuck around. Or, more exactly, NOT fuck around.  
He arranged for the two to go off on an adventure, and Magnus's desperateness to prove himself didn't disappoint, it all went pretty much as predicted. Except for one thing: they did. Not. Fuck! They had like years (closer to weeks probably but still) of working together, getting to know each other, they got stuck in a spaceship because Magnus wanted to have some fun just like he predicted, they had some fucking family bonding time, and the Custodes even somehow won in the god-level beings' favorite children's game, Paradox-Billiards-Vostroyan-Roulette-Fourth-Dimensional-Hypercube-Chess-Strip-Poker, against that daemonic fuck whose literal domain is destiny and change, to save Magnus's soul from being taken by Tzeench again. The Emperor had really thought he'd have to intervene on that one. He placed great hopes on his favorite Custodes, of course, but his second unlikely win in a row was worrying. Although it was good to know that his best asset was really this unfuckable-with.  
But him being unfuckable-with to the point of not fucking with Magnus in all this time, neither of them professing their love or lust or making any fucking movement on that front, was another degree of infuriating! It would work in the plan, of course. He'd planned for this version of events as well as for any other. But he really didn't need to endure the motherfuckers' mutual pining. He even had to send Magnus away before checking on Kitten via Cypher, because having to watch the suppressed adoration longing on his son's face - for his other son no less! - was too much for the fuckup that he was. And, of course, to check on Leman and the part of him that the inquisitorial shitbag would bring back to him, unhindered by another daemonic tantrum.  
At times the Emperor was really compelled to just tell Magnus how much his crush wanted to be absolutely dominated and fucked into a wall by him specifically. Or to have slow, tender sex with him in a palace corridor. Or- the little golden fucker had so many different, fleshed-out fantasies, it would be a fucking chore to choose. Not to mention how sickening the thought was. But, and he'd only think this once, his sons should just fuck already! How long will he have to watch this mutual-unmutual mindfucking?  
Well, it was just one of the things he hated about his fuckup of an existence.


End file.
